Letting Go & Still Being Alright

My good friend, John, has brought his bike back to Philadelphia from his fiance's beach house in Cape May.  We have been riding around the city on our way to Indian buffet's and Pho joints. John is an avid mountain biker and isn't afraid of getting scrapes and bruises. He bikes with no hands, even on the bumpiest streets. John was surprised I didn't dare to let go of the handlebars.

I have been with my bike for almost five years. I know how she moves, and she knows how I move. We have been zipping around the city for a long time together. My bike is practically

an extension of my own body. Why don't I trust myself to ride with no hands?

 During a ride around the city, I slowed my pace behind John and I let go. I let my hands hover over the grips. Then I allowed my arms to hang by my side. For. Three. Blocks.

I have worked in a place that didn't quite fit for a long while. There have been some ok years, some hellish years, and some meh years. This year was shaping up to be hellish. The work environment was toxic. I would come home crying. My shimmering soul was becoming dull. It took all of my energy to be the sunshine in my own classroom. I refused to show my students how upset I was because of the administration. So, I let go. Two weeks ago I turned in my letter of resignation. It's time for me to move on. I'm not sure what's next, but everything will be alright.

Letting go can be scary. Scary or not, I have always had the strength within me to let go. Mustering up the courage to see the strength was the hard part.

Fill in the Blank Friday

 Photo and theme via

Summer is magical. I love everything about it from lightning bugs, and sparkling sand to sticky bodies from sweat, watermelon, and ice cream. I have had so many different types of summers.

Growing up my sister and I would go to Florida for 6 weeks. We'd enroll in day camps, and met local kids. My grandparents once rented a house on an island. Grandma would keep the fridge stocked with treats that were forbidden at home. Spending those summers with my sister really made us close.

The rest of my childhood summers were spent at  the community pool. Those days smelled of chlorine, warm pine needles, and lake water. Mom would pack a snack bag and we'd spend the day down there. Most of the time we'd walk back home picking wild blackberries along the way.

In college I was a camp counselor at a sleep away camp near my house. It was close to home but I decided to live at camp to have the full experience. When you are at camp it is like living on another planet. Everyone is happy (except the rare homesick camper). It is a consuming experience. You eat, sleep, and breath camp. There is singing ALL.THE.TIME, and there is a song for everything- it goes beyond taps and a blessing before meals. Happy campers (and counselors) are rewarded with food. My first year as a counselor was a healing time for me as I lost a good friend that year. I was able to get away from "real live" to grieve.

My summers as a teacher have been marvelous. I love the time to myself to do exactly what I want. I have little projects going on, and do them at my leisure. I think of lessons for the school year. I travel to destinations I'd day dream about while school is in session.

Check out my flickr for snap shots of my adventures!

..And You Loved Things Just Because

I haven't hear this song in a long, long time. For a while it was an anthem to my close knit group of friends. We were a tight group but after a friend was killed in a car crash we became that much closer. We listened to this as we sat in Dave's baby boy wallpapered room on that cold January day. We all whole heartily believed that was the last song he played on his WinAmp since it was still highlighted. This song has a place in my history, but still relates to my life at the moment.


Are there songs you hold dear to your heart that take you back to a place in your history, but still ring true now?

You Can Hardly See the Moon

You can hardly see the moon, a photo by ThroughCatEyedFrames on Flickr.

"She only has to say it once, and I dropped the case and I pay for the guy's car. And a few months later Jenny and I go to City Hall and get married.

I still didn't believe in the idea of marriage, and I still don't. But I believe in her, and I've given up on the idea of being right."

-This American Life, Episode 307 Return to the Scene of the Crime


I was listening to the above pod cast yesterday, and it got me thinking. I have been milling over Act 1 especially. There is sometime so honest, so human about being enveloped by an idea. I understand that haunting ideas can take a while to run its course, and just like in the radio program it can take the words of one person, once to snap you out of it.

Intro

I am an introvert. I enjoy being with myself and I get pleasure from being with my thoughts. Most people who know me as a teacher wouldn't guess I'm introverted and a little shy. The video above makes perfect sense to me, and does a great job of explaining my introvert experience.

Francie came away from her first chemistry lecture in a glow. In one hour she had found out that everything was made up of atoms which were in continual motion. She grasped the idea that nothing was ever lost or destroyed. Even if something was burned up or left to rot away, it did not disappear from the face of the earth; it changed into something else—gases, liquids, and powders. Everything, decided Francie after that first lecture, was vibrant with life and there was no death in chemistry. She was puzzled as to why learned people didn’t adopt chemistry as a religion.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith

2009 Resolution Recap

Last year around this time I wrote my resolutions for 2009. Heres how I did:

Resolution #1-Take Action- Grade B-
I've made step towards following through. Since I started teaching I haven't had the opportunity to make as many plans resulting in not breaking them. That is something I didn't foresee.


Resolution #2-Keep In Touch- Grade B+
I have been picking up the phone more. I even write emails to old friends, and comment here and there on Facebook.

Resolution #3-Stretch More- Grade A-
All last winter I would do three rounds of the yoga position Sun Salutation. Since school started I set aside 20-30 minutes to stretch and loosen up in the AM.

Resolution #4-Make More Art- Grade D-
I haven't made much progress on my art in 2009. I was doing more collage, and sticking to the same old. The stuff I made held my interest however, it didn't pull me in like an earth magnet to a refrigerator door.

Resolution #5-Read More- Grade F
Reading in 2009 slowed to a trickle. Fear not, 2010 almost has 2 books under its belt!

Your Scent Means More in Memory (Part 2)

I find myself giving taking a deep breath in and holding when I give hugs. I always inhale a little bit of a persons scent. Lately, I've been catching whiffs of perfume dance around me that remind me of my Grandma.
It smells a lot like:

Your Scent Means More in Memory (Part 1)

Tomato plant
Originally uploaded by Funny Bunny - Helena

Smells trigger my memories all the time. Growing up my mom would play in the garden, weeding her plant and harvesting her bounty. When she came she always smelled of warm earth, and tomato plants.

Treading Water

Panico y locura en La Reina
Originally uploaded by P.Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm going to try a little harder to make myself happyish.
Photo Credit

Lackluster

I haven't been up to much lately, well anything of substance. I go to work; I do my job and that's about it. I feel unmotivated to do anything I planned over the last few months. Below is a photograph of a list I made on a plane in February.


-Made 1 painting, when the goal was 2.
-I finished my mittens, but never touched my sewing machine, or any other craft.
-I've only had a handful of proper meals over the last month, and when I did make/have them I was only thinking of the nourishment and hunger of others.
-As for conversations, they have been few and far between.

Freedom Machine

Girl on Bike
Originally uploaded by jkoshi

Bike riding in the city is one of the most freest experiences I've ever lived. The sticky, rough sound of tires on pavement is to me what "om" is to meditation. There is something so tranquil- that lends itself to contemplative thinking. I am so proud of myself for riding to work through these winter months, and only bussing it when the conditions were too unsafe.

What I Look Like Wednesday

Dwell

I am a dweller. When left to myself for too long I reside in the space between my ears, and perhaps stray from my personal beliefs, which can be very ugly-and very unlike me. Sometimes, it takes some help to pull myself from the gravitational pull these thought patterns create. Its easy to fall back into the grooves the thoughts create, and I am guilty of falling back into them too easily.
Do you think this flaw is common for introverted people? Hopefully since I understand myself a little more now this will be a less frequent occurrence.

I found this collage. Isn't it stunning?